Feature image from SWANDIVE
Are you thinking about trying again? I am / We are.
The idea of trying to have another baby sends my mind and body into total overdrive. My natural reaction a combination of freaking out and trying to control everything. I have started to writing plans for every possible outcome. I have been to the doctor three times. I am worried about telling my friends I am pregnant again. I am nervous about having another loss, about going through another loss. I am scared about making my friends go through another loss with me.
The last thing we want to be is a burden to our friends and families but what is the other option? Should I keep our plans to ourselves and suffer alone? Do I have to stop talking about miscarriage after one loss? After two? Three? How many am I allowed to have before people tell me to get over it?
Is it my place to assume what my friends and family can handle?
The problem with trying again is that is seems to have taken over my mind. I am not myself right now. Falling pregnant is the most important thing happening right now and it has become very high stakes. I am worried my work is suffering because I am not focused.
I think about being pregnant as I lay in bed trying to get to sleep. I try and imagine what will happen this time, I go through all the possibilities. I wonder what it would be like to hear a heart beat, what it will feel like to loss another?
I decided I needed to go and speak to someone about it. A professional. I spoke to my GP about my fears associated with trying again and she mentioned that I would be eligible to see a therapist. I felt better as soon as she said it. It was comforting to be told by a doctor that my crazy state was not just me being pathetic.
I have seen her twice now, this therapist, and I am slowly starting to feel better. She helped me to understand that there is going to be no comfortable way through this. She helped me to see that all my worry and all my controlling was an attempt to prepare myself and therefore shield myself from pain.
She said that while my anxieties and fears are understandable and well founded, she told me that every new mother worries her heart out when she finds out she is pregnant. My GP kindly informed me that she has never seen a woman not freak out after finding out she is pregnant. Even the couples that have been trying for months still slip into panic once the double lines turn red.
The movies are a myth. The real thing is far more scary.
I need to remind myself that there is going to be anxiety, discomfort, pain and confusion attached to this process of trying to conceive.
I had been reprimanding myself for not being braver and stronger and not being able to control my emotions. But I am normal. My worries are natural. They are a natural outcome of setting a definitive goal that matters to me.
This fear, worry and anxiety is my reassurance that I am making the right decision and that it matters to me. Of course I am going to be nervous and scared. I am about to try and get something I want. If I am not feeling anxiety, discomfort, pain and confusion – do I really want this thing after all?
I am not going to try and ‘solve’ the problem of my emotions, I am going to try and use them as a guide to better inform my actions. When my worries keep me up at night, I will enjoy them, feel them and be reminded that sometimes you have to work really fuck’en hard to get what you want.