The Most Amazing New Parent List You Ever Read!

12 weeks pregnant, 16 weeks pregnant, 6 weeks pregnant, 15 weeks pregnant, 8 weeks pregnant, 18 weeks pregnant, 17 weeks pregnant,

The Pregnancy

  • Take lots of Vitamin C for stretch marks, constipation, energy levels and general well-being.
  • Do what ever the fuck you want every day you are pregnant! It is yours – Your pregnancy.

Newborn babies

Have a routine

  • Babies actually like to do the same thing each day.
  • Babies are happy and proud when they know what is coming next – It makes them feel like a genius.
  • Routines help you know what to do next when you are so fucking tired your brain doesn’t work!
  • Routines are great for your partner to know where your baby is up to and makes it easier for them to take over caring for the baby.
  • But routines only work 85% of the time.
  • Sometimes babies miss a nap, or stop eating, or cry all day or kick and fart and poo all day. The next day will be ok because they fall back into routine easily.
  • Some days are just poo and spew days.
  • Some days they just want to feed every hour. Go with it.
  • Try not to do any cleaning, cooking, washing, laundry or tidying while the baby is asleep. Those boring house things can be saved as fun activities to do together when the baby is awake.
  • When the baby is asleep you can get in the bath, watch tv, paint your nails, call your friends,  or something fun like secret drinking!


  • Colic is not actually a thing anymore.
  • What was once a ‘Colic’ baby, are now babies with gas, gut problems or emotional issues.
  • Babies can’t do anything on their own, including feeding, pooping and burping.
  • You needed to burp  your baby all the time! Before they feed, during their feed and after they feed.
  • Don’t feed a crying baby, always make sure they are settled and happy before putting them on the breast. This is why a schedule is so important, to predict when they are going to be hungry.
  • For every 10 minutes of feeding, you need 10 minutes of burping.


  • For the first little while, do everything they need – But  between 12am and 5am do it a little slowly.
  • Have a night time bed and a day time sleeping bed so they learn the difference.
  • Give them lots and lots of food before you put them down.
  • Burp them and give them a little farting.
  • Don’t try and ‘Put the baby to sleep’. Instead, focus on putting the baby in their bed.

Friendly advice from others

  • People were very direct about what we were doing wrong.
  • People will be very clear about all the things you are doing wrong. They will fail in every way to tell you what you are doing right (apart from a few of course!)
  • Remember you are right! Not because you’re a pretentious self-righteous new mother – but because you have spent more time with your child than anyone else on earth.
  • Tell them to get fucked in your head, and only take on board what makes sense to you, including everything in this document that sounds like crap.

Pooping and Farting

  • It was full on.
  • Discomfort was a big factor in sleep.
  • You will need to help your baby poo. They will bot be able to settle if they need to poo.


  • Wrapping with arms down.
  • Lots of people told me that their babies ‘just didn’t like being wrapped,’ so they didn’t follow through with it.
  • All babies (I have been told a lot) struggle a little with being wrapped at the start, but that is because they have only ever been swimming in water. So it’s a bit fucking weird for them.
  • Persist with wrapping for at least 4 weeks before stopping.

Partnerships and Love

  • Don’t be mad when the other person fucks up.
  • You both will fuck up a lot and your’s will probably be worse than his!

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